A curfew conflict with my mom in high school made me think about whether her rules were out of genuine concern or selfish, undemocratic control. This led me to reflect on myself and experience a process of maturity.
A moment in my life when I felt pathetic was when I had a big fight with my mom a few years ago when I was in high school. We always had minor arguments, but the situation was much more serious and emotional. The reason for the fight was curfew. We never had a specific one, but my mom always called me as soon as it was past 9pm when I was out with my friends. My friends had no problem staying out until dawn, but my mom always had a problem with it. On the day of the incident, my mom insisted that I be home by 11:00. However, I was still outside the house talking to my friends when I ran into my mom. My mom scolded me for not coming home yet, and at that moment, all the frustration I had been building up exploded, and I got annoyed with her in front of my friend. After I got home, I had a big fight with my mom, and she was much angrier than I expected, but from my point of view, I didn’t understand why she was being so harsh with me for being a little late, and it just made me angry. At one point, my mom let her anger boil over in front of me for the first time and burst into tears, and I was like, “Ouch!” but we were both so caught up in our emotions at the time that we didn’t really think things through. After that, we didn’t talk at all, except to say what we really needed to say, and it wasn’t until a few days later that my mom broke the ice and we were able to get back on good terms.
After this incident, I felt so pathetic and self-reflected a lot. As time passed and I matured, I began to change my behavior and attitude. When I thought about how we argued over something so insignificant, I came to the conclusion that there was no point in rebelling against my mother. I began to realize that it was better for me to give in to her whenever we had a disagreement. For example, when my mom would ask me to be home by a certain time, I used to just say no and go home past curfew without calling her. Then, when she scolded me, I would say that I was out too early. But after that incident, I was disappointed in myself and reflected a lot. If I had a complaint, I could usually have a rational conversation with my mom and make a compromise, but why did I always throw a tantrum when the situation arose? The more I thought about it, the more sorry and grateful I felt to my mom for accepting and loving me despite my foolish behavior. After that, I paid less attention to her, even if only consciously, and whenever there was a conflict, I usually took the first step back. As for the early curfew, I thought, “I’ll see my friends later anyway, so let’s go home early tonight.” My friends saw the change in my attitude. When my friends saw my new attitude, they suddenly asked me what was wrong and why I was so stuck on my mom’s orders, but I had a different idea. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to play more, but that I didn’t feel the need to stay up so late because I began to understand my mom’s mind a little better, and I didn’t think I had to fight with her and disobey her. Once I changed my thinking in that way, I was much less likely to argue with my mom.
At the time, I saw my mom’s tears and immediately felt wrong and pathetic. But was I really wrong? Looking at the curfew, I don’t think I did anything wrong. This rule is undemocratic because my mom made it unilaterally without agreeing with me. I never agreed to it, so it’s not like I broke a promise, and I clearly told her when I left the house in the first place that it was ridiculous to stay up until 11 p.m. So technically, I didn’t break a promise or do anything wrong.
Another reason I blamed myself was that my mom made the rule because she loved and cared about me, and I thought I was being ungrateful and selfish. But you have to look at this too. Was it really for my own good that I came home early? Was it really for my mom, who was waiting at home? I didn’t play in the nightlife district, I just chatted with friends at the local cafe or on the sidewalk, so what’s so different about 11pm and 12pm? Now that I think about it, I realize that my mom didn’t let me stay out late because she wanted her children to be home so that she could sleep peacefully. In my young mind, I thought that her behavior was out of selflessness, but maybe it was selfishness. If it was selfishness, then our conflict was more her fault for setting rules without consensus.
Finally, consider whether your mom’s behavior was motivated by concern or control. She may say she acted the way she did because she loves me and wants me to be safe, but that’s not a legitimate reason. My friends’ parents let them play outside after dawn as long as they called ahead, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love their children, does it? My mom was associating love with control and calling it attention. Although concern and love weakened my heart at the time, it seems illogical in retrospect. I understand that interest leads to worry, but when it leads to control without consent, it is, as I said, undemocratic and selfish.
Now that I think about it objectively, I don’t think I acted so pathetically. It was my mom who caused the conflict in the first place. If she had had a serious conversation with me and discussed the curfew with me, we could have been more understanding and considerate of each other. That’s not to say that she was the only one at fault. It’s a foolish thing to blindly lash out and argue with your mom when you have a complaint. While it’s important to communicate your thoughts, it would have been wiser to express them in a rational way that was also considerate of the other person’s feelings. It doesn’t make me a pathetic person for feeling frustrated, because in the end, my mom was in the wrong, but I can be a better person if I can handle situations rationally.
I tried to reflect and change myself in a way that would make me better. Regardless of who was more at fault or who made the first mistake, I still feel like I’m a decent person in that I reflected on my own shortcomings and started to change them. If nothing had changed in me after such a big argument with my mom, I would have been a really immature and short-thinking person, but I guess it’s good that I’m able to blame myself and work on my shortcomings. After this incident, I feel much stronger about expressing my feelings to my mom and being nice to her, and I’ve been practicing that. Seeing her vulnerable because of my mistake brought me back to my senses, and I will never let it happen again. Furthermore, I try to distinguish between communication and emotional expression, not only with my mom but with everyone around me. I’ll be more careful not to offend others, even if I’m making sure I get my point across, and I’ll think twice before I get upset. I will continue to reflect on my behavior and work on myself to be a better person.
