This article explores human nature in extreme situations, specifically the inner conflicts caused by envy and jealousy. The author reflects on his own experience of envying a friend, and expresses his struggles and resolutions to overcome his nature and become a better human being.
According to Nietzsche, people are divided into good people and bad people, good people and evil people. A good person is not necessarily a bad person, and vice versa. Of course, the relationship between bad people and evil people is similar to the above. At this point, Nietzsche proposed the emotion of envy as a criterion for good and evil. The moment envy is involved, a person’s behavior is judged as evil. In particular, Nietzsche said that when we treat others with envy from the beginning, the preceding action is not to evaluate ourselves, but to evaluate others. In other words, the act of evaluating others before evaluating ourselves is an act of envy, and according to Nietzsche, it is an evil act. Nietzsche’s view is not just a matter of moral judgment, but an important indicator of the complexity of human psychology. People often evaluate others in order to justify their own behavior, but the feelings of envy and jealousy hidden within them will inevitably lead to evil actions. For this reason, Nietzsche emphasized the attitude of introspection and argued that it is important to look within oneself before evaluating others.
Senior year of high school is the most sensitive and difficult time for anyone, with entrance exams around the corner. Even I, a person with a dull personality, used to be sensitive during this time. The upcoming SATs, the ups and downs of grades, the tension in the classroom, and many other reasons. After enduring dozens of things that kept triggering my sensitivity, I finally took the SATs, but the resulting scores made me the most depressed person in the world. I wallowed in self-pity for a while, and during that time, I didn’t hear anything that comforted me. It was only afterwards that I heard other friends talking about it. Some of my friends said that they saw it better than I did, while others were annoyed that they were wrong. But to me, who had already become the most depressed person in the world, it all sounded full. Their stories seemed to me at the time as if they were mocking my failures, and I sank deeper and deeper into despair. The envy of my friends’ success, mixed with my own disappointment in myself, gradually brought the dark feelings inside me to the surface. And I still regret the thoughts I had then.
There are two friends I’m most sorry for. One was a friend who usually did worse than me, but in the SATs, he did really well. I never thought I could do worse than him, but it happened. When I heard the news while I was exhausted, my feelings of envy turned to jealousy. “I studied harder than him and did better than him…….” I didn’t want to give him even a word of praise, so I avoided him altogether. At the time, I felt as if her success was proof of my failure, and even her laughter bothered me. I was jealous of her and felt pathetic about myself, but I couldn’t shake the feeling easily. Another friend of mine was in the same dormitory as me, and although she was smarter than me, she didn’t put in as much effort. I was already envious of her because she always got better grades than I did, but during the SATs, she did even better than me. Since we lived in the same room, we couldn’t help but talk about various things, but the more we talked, the more I felt regret and envy, and I also felt jealous. At such times, I would think of curses and curse them out of jealousy of their friends. Maybe because they were so close to me, their successes were even sharper. The closer I was to them, the harder it was for me to bear the fact that they were ahead of me, and the more I hated myself for it.
Luckily, I didn’t say it out loud; I guess I wasn’t that far gone. I look at my friends now and think they’re all doing great, and I still feel ashamed that I once thought that way. But when I look back on those feelings, I realize how deeply I was in the emotions of the time. Some might accuse me of being remorseful because I had already been accepted to Seoul National University Medical School, but I can say unequivocally that this is not the case. After comparing my SAT scores to the scorecard and realizing that I had to take into account the worst case scenario, and after I had to work hard for the rest of the entrance exam and accept the fact that I would be rejected, I was able to relax and reflect. One of the things that I reflected on the most was that I can be a bit of a wimp when I’m in extreme situations. I thought I had a fiery personality, but when I was in that situation, I felt really bad for not being able to encourage my friends. “Do I really deserve to be called a friend because I was jealous and thought horrible things about them, even though we were usually good friends who took care of each other?”, ‘What would they think of me if they knew that I thought like this?’, ”Even though I am reflecting on this now, will I be able to avoid repeating this behavior next time I am in a similar situation…….” I had a lot of thoughts. The scariest part of it all was that I might do it again in the future. In a way, the way I behaved then might have been my true character, and I wasn’t sure that I wouldn’t do it again. And in my life so far, the experience has made me discover another side of myself that was hidden. It has made me disappointed in myself, and at the same time, it has made me acknowledge the feelings that were deep inside me. I realized that I could no longer hide or deny them, but that I had to accept and overcome them somehow.
To be honest, I don’t like myself that much. I really don’t like the fact that I’m not the kind of person who can help my friends when they’re in extreme situations. I vow to change these traits in the future, but I doubt that I can change my nature through hard work. I wonder if I’m just hiding my true nature instead of trying to fix it. However, I realize that this process of introspection is essential for inner growth, and that it is not just about changing myself, but about becoming a more mature human being. I don’t want to hurt my friends in the future. In order to avoid hurting them, I will try to hide this aspect of my nature as much as possible. When the value of my friends is greater in my heart than my nature, then I will be able to like myself. I believe that my nature will never go away, but I believe that I can overcome it by keeping a greater value in my heart. I will continue to strive until I am able to like myself.
