This article describes the challenges of being an introvert and how Susan Cain’s TED Talk helped her rediscover the value of introversion. It will help you understand the difference between introversion and extroversion and suggest ways to build relationships that recognize your unique personality.
Since childhood, I have always been an introvert, albeit to varying degrees over time. As a child, I was often defined by others as “the quiet one,” “the timid one,” and so on, and rather than being neutral, these comments were often made in the form of ridicule, advice, and a sense that the other person (who was probably more extroverted than I was) was superior to me. I disliked people who made such comments, and I also disliked my introverted nature, which I believed led others to judge me that way. My friends avoided hanging out with me because I was quiet, and I avoided hanging out with them because they said things I didn’t like. Throughout this process, I often wished I could erase my introversion.
Sometime after I started college, there was an incident that made me feel like introversion was holding me back again. I was so overwhelmed that I wrote a long rant on Facebook in the middle of the night about the pain of introversion. In a daze of early-morning emotion, I rambled on, fell asleep, and woke up the next morning to a lengthy comment from a friend. I hesitated for a few minutes to open the comment, regretting that I’d ever written such a thing, but eventually I did. He wrote a heartfelt note of support and comfort, telling me that I should watch this video and linking to a YouTube video. It was the TED Talk I’m about to share, “Quiet: The Power of the Introverts” by Susan Cain.
Susan opened with an anecdote about going to a group camp the summer she was nine years old. She was raised by parents who made reading and contemplation part of their daily routine, and before leaving for camp, she packed her camping bag with books to read, believing that the people she would meet there would have lives full of books and thoughts, just like her family. But the camp was the complete opposite of what she had imagined, and she was constantly hearing “Rowdie! Rowdie!” (a variation on the word ‘Rowdy,’ which rhymes with the camp chant), where she was constantly socializing and talking to people. As a young girl, such a space was very foreign to her, and even when she tried to read a book at night, she was discouraged by the camp counselors and forced to socialize. As a result, her camping bag full of books gathered dust on her bunk until the end of camp, and she was forced into relationships she didn’t want.
She extrapolated this anecdote to society as a whole and criticized the way introversion is oppressed in modern society, where extroversion is emphasized. She emphasized that introversion can be of great value in modern society, citing its strengths such as calmness and the ability to constructively accept others’ arguments. However, the reality of modern society is that this is not the case, and the spaces where people spend the most time, such as schools and workplaces, are increasingly designed for extroverts. As evidenced by phrases like “the age of individuality” and “collective intelligence,” the modern world’s continued emphasis on connecting and communicating with others has led to an undue reduction in the environments in which introverts can work most effectively. She concluded her talk by pointing out that this shift in modern society is dismissing the classically recognized value of introversion and making it seem like extroversion is the only answer, arguing that society needs a balance of these two opposing personalities.
Through this short speech, Susan wanted to empower introverts who may have felt inferior, and to encourage the rest of society to take an interest in introverts, who may not have been aware of their struggles. I found her message very comforting at the time and was able to lift some of the weight of personality issues that were weighing me down at the time. Knowing that she empathized with my “inferiority complex” and that I wasn’t the only one suffering from these issues lightened my heart and gave me a point of return to approach personality issues from a different direction.
I sympathize with Susan’s view that modern society values extroversion too much, as she raised in her speech. In modern society, networking has become so important for personal success that there is a widespread sense of the need to form a wide range of relationships within a short period of time. In this process, the importance of deep and thoughtful communication is diminished, and people are more concerned with how to make the other person feel good about themselves. Even in university relationships that are not directly related to one’s “socioeconomic interests,” it is easy to see that extroverts who are able to break the ice and create a congenial atmosphere immediately upon meeting become popular and gain a good reputation as the number of meetings decreases. In my own college life, I’ve been in environments where extroverts have been able to excel in any group, whether it’s at a dinner table or a drinking party, and I’ve been trying to fit into the mold of “me who gets along with others” just like them.
But is the reason for introverts’ difficulties in social relationships solely the result of modern society, as she claims? I didn’t think that was the essential reason. I believe that introverts and extroverts have different interests that they pursue. I think introversion and extroversion depend on whether a person is interested in things that are internal to them or external to them. If two people with opposite personalities meet, their interests will differ greatly. We’ve all experienced this in middle and high school, when we hang out with friends who are easy to talk to, and in college, when groups of people with similar personalities and interests split up. I, too, was comfortable with people who were similar to me, but when I met someone with a different personality and interests that I had nothing to talk about, I was embarrassed and inwardly gave them a lower score.
I believe that these interests are strongly influenced by our natural temperament. Just as we all have different favorite subjects and hobbies, we also have different interests in what we want to communicate with people about. Being an extrovert or an introvert is something you can’t force on anyone, and you can’t impose a certain ideal on yourself. It’s natural to want someone to have a similar personality and interests to your own, but you shouldn’t expect or impose that on someone else, and your own personality is also unique, so it’s not a right or wrong answer in itself.
By applying these interests to the relationships I’ve had in the past, I was able to gradually come to terms with the fact that most of the relationships I wanted to work out, but didn’t, were due to differences between my interests and theirs, and I was able to gradually reduce my feelings of inferiority by accepting that I wasn’t the only one who didn’t work out. By taking the time to learn about my own interests, I was able to see more clearly what relationships I could thrive in and what I struggled with. From my unique interests, I was able to identify unique areas of relationships that I could form.
However, there are many more difficult relationships in the world than there are unique ones. Introverts, in particular, will find it harder to form a wide range of relationships because their interests are mostly self-centered. This is why extroversion is now considered the ideal personality trait, as our fast-paced society values the breadth of relationships that individuals can form. This problem of forming relationships in the face of diverging interests is common for everyone, but especially for introverts.
I believe that this problem can be solved by the individual striving to be interested in the opposite side of his or her personality, but distinguishing between his or her own personality and the other aspects of his or her personality that he or she has acquired through hard work. If you insist on your own unique personality, you will not be able to socialize with people who are on the opposite side of the spectrum, and you will only maintain a narrow relationship. Therefore, it is necessary to try to understand people who are different from yourself and adapt yourself to them. However, this is an acquired trait that is different from the personality you were born with. Therefore, it”s impossible to completely adapt to a personality that is diametrically opposed to your own. When people with different personalities meet, they should try to understand each other, but at the same time, they should recognize the differences that prevent them from being completely the same. For example, if I’m an introvert and I’m at a gathering with extroverts, I listen to what they have to say that I don’t understand and accept as much as I can, but if I can’t be a complete part of the group because of differences in interests, I don’t have to think of myself as inferior because of it. One thing you can do is to try to learn about their favorite topics and engage them in conversation when you see them again in the future. On the other end of the spectrum, recognizing that not everyone here is an extrovert, and if someone is having a hard time fitting in, a good thing they can do is to try to talk about something that interests them next time, even if it’s unfamiliar.
This thought process has helped me to stop feeling inferior and start looking at myself with pride. We are all born with a unique set of interests and inclinations, and recognizing that first is a way to build confidence in ourselves. From recognizing what is unique, I can take it a step further and make efforts to reduce the differences between people without losing my own uniqueness, and recognize the same efforts of the other side, which is the way to understand a wider range of people. Through this process of changing my thinking, I feel that I have become a more confident and authoritative person than before. I’ve been able to let go of jealousy of people with opposite personalities and look at them more neutrally, on an equal footing with me. Even now that I’m out of that period of severe distress, I often find relationships difficult, but I’m grateful to be able to bounce back with a belief system that allows me to be proactive and in control.
